no love lost (rufus_mckain) wrote,
no love lost

it's summer and I can't sleep at night again, so I guess I'm starting this thing back up. I haven't graduated because I'm a fuckup and I have to take 8 more credits over the summer. I took a bunch of sleeping pills and tylenol again because I couldn't deal with whatever and spent like five days in the psych ward after being forced to drink charcoal and having a catheter pull piss straight from my dick, which had shriveled up like a prune, like it was scared. those are the things I remember from the emergency room, that and the cough medicine in the nyqil I took causing hallucinations I can't shake from my memory (the small/large phone, the nurse's running nose, the hidden throats and ears in the moving bed).
basically I managed to have a breakdown at what turned out to be an oppurtune time. I didn't have to tell my relatives I wasn't graduating, just that I was hospitalized and couldn't walk in the ceremony. so only my mom, sister, and roommates know really. and catherine.
that's another story, but I've got time. she, after four years of everyone just crushing on her while she stayed hidden and dating long-distance, came out of her shell to throw another bit of confusion in my thoughts. I'd been drunk for most of finals week and senior week on the Cape with her and three of my roommates.
I don't know, I'll get into it later, maybe. I just need to get self-confident and unaffected I think.
anyway, I get like reverse butterflies when I think about the things we did, she said. queasy, embarassed, angry. I needed too hard I guess, scared boy with his own death on his mind for weeks.
but I'm over it, catherine, the depression, the feeling of failure and emptiness. I'm getting in shape (perpetually), I'm growing disinterested in girls little by little, or telling myself I am for confidence. redifining myself as a bohemian (so I won't be phased by my future homelessness), disorderly, creative/constructive, more physically and less mentally destructive. I want to get laid and I want a cigarette.
also, I don't know. everyone's getting gay for some reason. two of my ex girlfriends are gay now, my sister has dipped her toes in that warm stream, my roommate mike is dating a bi girl who stayed up watching ggw ads when we were all drunk and bored. I wanted mike to sleep with me when I was feeling desperate after I'd bought all the medicine but I couldn't ask him. catherine had turned me down though we'd slept (sleeping) together even nude before and sent me a long (wrong) email. but that was mostly fear of being alone I think. maybe, I don't care.
right now I'm just doing this "worthwhile on my own" thing and hoping at least some of it sticks. I've been drawing self-portraits, been trying to make music, been thinking of road trips either alone or with like mike or my sister. I'm trying to want to wake up next to someone less, I guess. cigarettes help, joy division helps, sean lennon helps, jerking off helps, drawing, running, thinking about myself in tighter pants and shirts, new tattoo ideas help. and prozac helps. fuck zoloft.
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